“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Yep.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My blood type is coffee.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite