I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
opening twitter today
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I only treason on days ending in y