I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP