I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.