I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Comparing yourself to others
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”