I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.