I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“I wouldn’t.”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
oh u like geography? name every lake
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Meat Cute
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped