I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?