The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.