My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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the icebreaker
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.