@bazecraze: I'd like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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@OddMarc: I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy.
@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon? Taxidermist: He will not
@MikeDrucker: You can't run a country like a business. If you did, you'd have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that's socialism! Bye!
@LackOfShame: [movie theater] Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down? Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!