@bazecraze: I'd like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@AnitaHelmet: My husband hasn't forgiven me for answering 'Okie dokie artichokie' instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, "I do."
@krisv_723: *annual sexual harassment seminar. Boss: We need more seats. Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit. Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
@ilikeyouguys: You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check