I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.