*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.