Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi