My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Go hard or stay average
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.