I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Ha.
You are not alone 💚
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*