“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
S M O L
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
can’t wait til they legalize outside
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby