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@Michael_Erhart: "I'd like to raise a toast."
@YUCKYBOT: The difference between my "Maine lobster" and my "main lobster" is boiling water or a high five.
@Birdhumms: "Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship"
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
@electrolemon: why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
@MichaelTrying: I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.