“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.