I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Got him!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet