I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I don’t know what to do
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Lmao
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.