I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”