I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.