I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Teach your children to beatbox
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it