I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions