I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.