Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
You Might Also Like
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile