My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.