I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.