My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.