I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh