If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.