burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
You Might Also Like
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
new record!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.