Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
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Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
what does he know…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me