*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.