@13spencer: I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."
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@ErrenMichaels: The freebie-jeebies That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
@moooooog35: You know the person in exercise videos that's doing the easy version of everything? I'm the guy behind that person eating chips.
@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.