I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I saw this ending much differently.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.