I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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Become ungovernable.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history