@weinerdog4life: I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me.
@carlyken: [lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game "Your honor. Upsexy." Judge: what's upsexy? "that's harassment. move to change venues"
@Matt_The_1st: I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan