@weinerdog4life: I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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@CroweJam: Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea.
@InternetHippo: Pokémon Go has taught us that there's a disturbing number of dead bodies just laying around everywhere
@mofrorock: Marvel's latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
@kwirkyKerri: *at movie theater* M: I'll take a large popcorn with extra butter. H: Sure. What movie are you seeing? M: I'm not.