@weinerdog4life: I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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@albz: I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
@ArfMeasures: [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
@katlamcglynn: Why are books the only thing advertised as "Wherever books are sold." You can't sell other stuff by saying "Wherever you get this shit, IDK"