@weinerdog4life: I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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@iwearaonesie: watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college
@ImaFlyontheWall: Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
@The_Grant_Boldt: "Hi can I just have a single burger?" I'm sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship "But that's not eve- Please show some respect
@PimpBillClinton: The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).