“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…