“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.