@drxubair: I'd love to change the world. But I don't think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@funnyordie: Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That's not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
@tiemespankme: I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
@shutupmikeginn: I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me