Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
😏😏😏
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.