I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon