My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
getting corrected
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Happy Thanksgiving
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.