Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody