Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
True
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!