I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.