“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
the #horror is real!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Oh no
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”