I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.