I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Meow
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The Struggle
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.