Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.