*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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LMAO.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
oh my gosh!!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.