Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine